A non exhaustive list of hard things about being an adult

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No one likes Peter Pan and if you describe yourself as "Peter Pan" you should check yourself. image source


1. Lightbulbs.

The lightbulb in the hallway of the houseshare I live in ran out (is that what you call it? "Ran out"? Who knows) about four months ago. No one has yet taken action to replace it. It took at least eight weeks for anyone to acknowledge what had happened. "Did you know the lightbulb had run out?" said one of my housemates, in our house whatsapp group. Obviously we all knew. "Yes," I replied. None of us have mentioned it since. A while ago I was in Wilkinsons and it occurred to me maybe it was time to buy a new lightbulb, aware the shorter evenings are on the approach. I was initially proud of myself for linking together these two facts, but the smugness soon faded when it became clear I didn't even know where to start. How do you even know WHAT lightbulb you are supposed to buy? Is this the sort of thing normal adults are supposed to be able to deal with? Let's tackle something else, as well: changing lightbulbs. It's apparently the source of some kind of classic joke that changing a lightbulb is so easy any idiot could do it. But I'll tell you what: I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START. Is it literally as easy as unscrewing and screwing it? Surely it must be harder than that? Have other people who left home 7 years ago changed lightbulbs before? Is it just me? Who knows.

2. Tortellini.

Tortellini packs from supermarkets apparently serve three people. You read that right. THREE PEOPLE. I even know people in real life that only eat a third of the tortellini pack. Seriously, real people. Now where do I start with this: SURELY THESE PACKS ARE ONLY DESIGNED TO FEED ONE PERSON? Two at a push IF YOU HAD GARLIC BREAD AS WELL? How could you only eat like FOUR PIECES OF TORTELLINI?

3. Washing.

I've been trying to achieve Laundry Zero my entire adult life and it's only getting worse. I've resigned myself to the fact that I will only ever achieve it if I take a fortnight off work in June, the weather's nice, and I devote 9am-5pm every day to laundry alone.

4. The gym.

How does ANYONE have time to go to the gym? Everyone I know goes to the gym. HOW DO THEY HAVE THE TIME?

5. Being too old to understand things the young people like.

Now, I consider myself quite good at social media. I have my fair share of Twitter followers and I know how to brag on Facebook and try to make it look like I'm being ironic. But there is one thing I just don't understand: Snapchat. Don't get me wrong. I understand the BASIC MECHANICS of how to send things on Snapchat and how to open them again. And what I don't understand is: WHY? I got a Snapchat, I added some friends. But what am I supposed to send them? Selfies? Just look at my Instagram! Pictures of animals? Just look at my Instagram! WHAT IS THE POINT OF SNAPCHAT? AM I JUST TOO OLD? I genuinely don't get it! Why can't people just TALK TO EACH OTHER ON WHATSAPP LIKE THEY DID IN MY DAY??!?!

6. Being too old to be able to do things that the young people can do.

I'm about to admit something that I have never admitted before to anyone. Here we go: I don't know how to use gifs. I know how to look at them and that they are funny but I wouldn't know where to start with putting them in a tweet. I just wouldn't know where to start. I'd go on a training course if I could but I'm too busy not having time to go to the gym.

7. When you don't have anything to do.

I spend my life saying that I'm too busy but then the other weekend I had an afternoon where I had nothing to do and I was so bored I cried. Literally. Cried.

8. Realising you will never be the wonderful hostess you fetishise yourself as mainly because you are just incompetent. 

But you still keep inviting people round for "tapas nights" and "summer barbecues" like THIS time it will be different and THIS time you won't fall over on your arse on the kitchen floor in front of everyone and THIS time you will know how to work the barbecue. Newsflash: IT'S NEVER DIFFERENT.

9. Grocery shopping.

How does anyone EVER have the right amount of groceries? I daydream a lot about the future where hopefully I will have a car and live near a big Tesco like the ones I knew when I was young. I will do a weekly shop and it will be just like I always dreamed. Those will be the days. Instead, now, I either try in vein to do a big shop and end up wasting £40 and throwing half of it out or I end up going to three different branches of Sainsbury's Local in a day.

10. TV boxsets.

How are people know doing things like watching all of Breaking Bad? Where do you get the time or the energy? Instead of doing this I have started a habit of taking films from my childhood, dividing them into 20 minute segments and watching them over the course of a fortnight. Unfortunately this did reveal to me that the Hunchback of Notre Dame is the darkest film ever made. SPOILER ALERT: ESMERELDA CHOOSES THE FIT ONE.



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