X Factor Predictions: Pre-Series

21:00

Now, if you hadn't gathered from the title, the main reason I started this blog was because I wanted to blog about this year's series of X Factor. People have been telling me I should do it for years (and by "people" I mean "one individual friend" and "the mirror") so I decided to just bite the bullet and go for it. I do love the X Factor, I really do, even though I kind of love it the way that mothers still love their children when they become serial killers.

I've already written about what I wanted from this year's X Factor but this time I am going to predict what I think we will get. I have not attended any audition/boot camp stuff by virtue of having a full-time job which doesn't allow me to prance about looking for blog content (*shakes fist at sky*) so these are entirely my own predictions and in no way informed by any kind of spoiler.

  • The middle 8 going into the chorus of Ghost by Ella Henderson will be played at least once during every episode.
  • Ella herself will be on to promote her new song at some point. Her performance will be really good. Her VT will be needlessly dramatic.
  • Many, many people will audition singing All of Me by John Legend. 
  • Many, many people will audition singing an acoustic version of Happy by Pharrell Williams.
  • Many, many, many people will audition singing Money on my Mind by Sam Smith (aka Basic on my Basic by Basic Smith).
  • Cheryl will obviously do a massive performance of her album-launching single. It will actually be really good which is why Crazy Stupid Love was so bad, to lower our expectations (I live in hope).
  • Simon will use the words "relevant" and "current" so often they will cease to lose meaning.
  • Louis will purposefully overuse his own classic catchphrases ("The whole of [region] is voting for you!" "You remind me of a young [inappropriate and potentially racist comparison]!") thinking it makes him look self-aware. Unfortunately no one will get it.
  • Mel B will be, to quote Taylor Swift, casually cruel in the name of being honest - being "upfront" is her thing but it will just end up in her needlessly hurting loads of people's feelings and it not being very funny or useful.
  • Cheryl Cole using Sia as her mate at judges' houses will be skin-crawling levels of awkward.
  • Wild stab in the dark here, but I'm guessing Cheryl - Boys, Mel B - Girls, Simon - Groups and Louis - Overs.
  • Whichever is the initial standout hyped contestant will end up in Cheryl's category.
  • The following people will get performance slots: Taylor Swift, Rihanna (a MASSIVE one, possibly the final), Rita Ora, Ed Sheeran, Ariana Grande. There will be loads more but I'll be shocked if any of the ones I've mentioned miss out. 
  • There will be a Ed Sheeran-esque shy male with a guitar that will be heavily pushed. It will probably be the producers' wildest dream for him to make the final and duet with Ed Sheeran.
  • There will be at least two novelty acts. One of them will kind of have talent but just be a bit 'out there' (see Johnny Robinson who I always liked ACTUALLY), the other one will just be shit. 
  • There will be a Big Twist following judges' houses.
  • The winner won't be successful but will have had a great series-long redemption story. The other finalists might be.  
  • Unfortunately, johnlewisification of classic pop songs will still be a thing. I think we're still a series away from the inevitable eventual John Lewis week, for which, by the way, I will sing Gabrielle Aplin's cover of Best Song Ever and then kick off into the real Best Song Ever, including dance routine, following the first chorus. 
  • There will be absolutely no innovative themes (Current Top 40, Year You Were Born, etc) and it will ALL be themes that have done before. First week will be Number Ones Week.
  • Purple Rain will be sung by an older diva who is expected to finish around eighth.
  • All Of Me by John Legend will be sung at some point by an acoustic white male with a funny voice. 
  • Someone will sing a slowed down arrangement of Drunk in Love at some point and everyone on Facebook will declare it genius. 
  • Cheryl will look GREAT every week but won't take many risks style-wise. Her hair will not be as good as it was in 2010. 
  • Simon will not mention his child for most of the series and then bring him up at a key moment for one of his own mentored acts e.g. "that performance was so good, it really made me think about how much I love my son". Cue hearts melting across the nation.
  • At some point Louis will make an ill-advised and controversial dig regarding Cheryl's marriage. 
  • There will be a Spice Girls vs Girls Aloud week. Finally perhaps the nation can agree that although the Spice Girls are good Girls Aloud are ten times better. 
  • Someone will sing Viva Forever at some point (whether it's during Spice Girls week or not) and it will get back into the top 40. 
  • Simon will reference the fact he created the biggest boyband in the world fortnightly at an absolute MINIMUM.


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