If I Was a Judge: X Factor Auditions Episode 1

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I don't want to be friends with anyone who's favourite stage of X Factor is the auditions. 'Oh, look at that crap person!' they jeer. 'What a state!" they guffaw, ignoring the fact that EVERY bad audition falls into one of THREE categories;

1. The person knows full well they are rubbish and are doing an audition because they want to get on TV. In the age where any saddo like myself can post a few selfies online and write a blog and get an 'online presence' they should know better. 
2. The person genuinely thinks they are good, or wasn't quite sure but thought they would give it a go, so went along to the producers and sang their little bit, and oh wow! The producers think I'm good! They want me back! They want me to meet Simon and Cheryl! Oh.
3. The above, yet the person has some kind of learning difficulty.

But yet, here we are, and we still need to watch the auditions as twelve of these fools (or potentially sixteen if there's a TWIST) will eventually make it to the live shows, and we all need to have been with them since the beginning, and join them on our 'journey'. You don't have to go very far on the internet to find a recap of the auditions, so instead I will just tell you what I would have said to each auditionee (that got a YouTube upload - we've all got lives to lead) if I was a judge. (The end of all of my grand schemes are X Factor Judge. Mulberry Abigail.)


BLONDE ELECTRIC




If Jedward had a TV show (which they should) there would be a series finale in which they flew to Vegas for larks and hijinks. After a few too many blue raspberry slushys ("John...was there... VODKA in that?") a fun-fuelled montage would ensue. Next morning, both wake up bleary eyed. "That sure was fun Edward, but at least we didn't do anything stupid!" Camera pans. Two blonde girls lay in bed next to them and shriek. They are wearing Haribo rings on their left hand.

So those girls would be played by Blonde Electric. Now, I always quite liked Jedward when they were on. Whenever I am sad I put on their performance of Oops! I Did It Again and it always makes me feel better. These girls are strongly reminiscent of Jedward. I thought Do It Like a Dude was a great, fresh song choice. Now, if I was a judge? I would have put them through hesitantly, but made a heavy point of saying the girl on the left with the blue leggings and lipstick jumper oozes star quality and the other one doesn't. If they want me to put them through as a group after the next round, Longer Hair Electric is gon' need up her game.

Of course the judges made a big deal about how annoying they are but they're going to put them through anyway and Reece Bibby is probably already lined up to be the sacrificial lamb at the Blonde Electric altar but we'll see what happens.

(Barometer for all auditions) WHAT THEY WOULD SING DURING SPICE GIRLS WEEK:  Who Do You Think You Are, and it would be brilliant. 

REECE BIBBY


Now Reece Bibby can't help being called Reece Bibby. But the first thing I would do if I was a judge is get him to change his name. Can you imagine his concerts? Everyone charting BIBBY BIBBY BIBBY? What would his fans call themselves? Reece's Bibs? (Appropriate given he's about three years old). (Actually they'd obviously call themselves Reece's Pieces which is amazing). Anyway, maybe I'm too soft but I'd probably let him through. Yes yes yes, he's Ed Sheeran Jr but he'll probably grow up to be better looking than Ed Sheeran and I thought Latch by Disclosure was a good song choice. Let's give him another go.

WHAT HE WOULD SING DURING SPICE GIRLS WEEK: Viva Forever. It will get back to number 14 in the charts.

CHLOE JASMINE


A thousand hearts across the nation rose and sunk when Chloe said she would be singing Black Coffee and then it wasn't the All Saints song, but she did okay. A problem Chloe would have faced beforehand is that only a few short years ago nobody liked a posho. But luckily for Chloe, and many others, Made in Chelsea is now a thing and given that the correct attitude to Made in Chelsea is THE RICHER THESE PEOPLE THE BETTER Chloe obviously spotted the right time to capitalise on her brand. I would definitely have put her through, no brainer, she's got a great voice and her personality is engaging, and I've got a suspicion she's more than a little bit savvy too. 

WHAT SHE WOULD SING DURING SPICE GIRLS WEEK: The Lady is a Vamp. (Does anyone remember that? Anthem.)

JAY JAMES


Good looking? BINGO.
Plays guitar but didn't bring it, probably after being advised by producers that guitars were going to be criticised during the episode? BINGO.
War hero? BINGO.
Whispery voice? BINGO.
HE HAS A BABY!?!? JESUS CHRIST THIS IS OUR WINNER, GO HOME EVERYONE AND TAKE THE REST OF THE DAY OFF YOU DESERVE IT. MAKE SURE SIMON ASKS WHAT THIS MEANS TO HIM BEFORE YOU START.

I didn't like it. I'd say he's not my cup of tea, but truthfully speaking, that's exactly what he is. My cup of tea, milk no sugar, that I have about 8 of every day, and that I certainly don't savour as much as I would a margarita. 

WHAT HE WOULD SING DURING SPICE GIRLS WEEK: An acoustic version of Goodbye. Which I reckon would actually be quite good. 


JALE ANTOR


A million basics across the nation fell about in laughter OMG THIS WOMAN IS DRESSED UP AS CHERYL BUT ISN'T AS PRETTY HAHAHAHAHA oh bore off. 

WHAT SHE WOULD SING DURING SPICE GIRLS WEEK: Spice Up Your Life. It would be a hot mess, but the staging would be good.

BEN QUINLAN


Ben loves Cheryl too, but his love is more acceptable as he's Irish and young and good looking. He looks pretty similar to Jake from Rixton actually so the other thing we have to consider is whether Shane Richie has created ANOTHER clone in his quest to conquer UK pop culture. Anyhow, Ben can obviously sing a bit, and That's My Goal is brilliant so I applaud his song choice. However, without the gimmick, is his voice that good? No, it's not really, is it. So it's a no from me.

WHAT HE WOULD SING DURING SPICE GIRLS WEEK: Too Much. I'm thinking chair-based choreography.

ANGELINA ROBINSON


Angelina didn't so much sing as provide a buffet for the judges. Now, I am not one for a gimmick, and I'll be frank with you, that cake didn't even look that nice. It's a no from me.

WHAT SHE WOULD SING DURING SPICE GIRLS WEEK: Mama (as her mum walked around handing out snacks to the audience.)

SHAYDEN WILLIS


Shayden writes his own stuff, which is normally worthy of an X Factor Credibility Box Tick. Unfortunately, some of his own lyrics include "This is some advice for any man out there. Just like Samson, a woman can break a man apart." Not great, but "Just Like Samson" is the title of my debut album. It's a no from me Shayden, but what I can say is that I wouldn't have just walked off like Cheryl, Mel B, and Louis, as that's pretty rude actually if you ask me, but no one is asking me I suppose.

WHAT HE WOULD SING DURING SPICE GIRLS WEEK: A piano-based version of Wannabe with his own lyrics to replace the rap.

LAUREN PLATT


LOVED Lauren - my favourite from the show. Looks great, sounds great, has a name that reminds me of Gail Platt. She chose a song from Hairspray which she did very well, but all I can say is that if I was going to sing a song that Queen Latifah performed in Hairspray it would ONE HUNDRED PERCENT be Big Blonde and Beautiful.

WHAT SHE WOULD SING DURING SPICE GIRLS WEEK: Stop. Original choreography. Would be amazing.

CHARLIE JONES


Charlie picked one of my least favourite songs of all time (Little Things by One Direction) to sing so to start with I was never on his side, but it was all a little basic for me (and not as good as Reece Bibby despite being essentially identical). I would have said no. 

WHAT HE WOULD SING DURING SPICE GIRLS WEEK: 2 Become 1, with extensive lyric changes to avoid anyone getting into trouble.


Until next time, X Factor fans! x

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